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When is criticism most painful? * When you're happily minding your own business and don't expect it at all? * When you already know you've made a mistake and are trying to correct it? * When someone is "only trying to help you" by offering you "feedback" that you have not asked for and don't need or want? Criticism that masquerades as feedback is usually an unskilled way to call your attention to something that someone else considers a problem. It focuses on the "fact" that you have done something wrong instead of on the problem that could be fixed. True feedback is focused on the problem rather than on the person who created it. It is most helpful when it's offered in response to a request or when the one offering it has joint responsibility for creating a particular result. It also works when an offer of feedback is made and accepted before the feedback is given-and the feedback focuses on solving a problem. Criticism, on the other hand, tells more about the criticizer's state of mind-or state of fear. It often is spoken by someone who lacks the skill to understand his or her own needs or to express them gracefully. In fact, a useful way to approach criticism is to receive it as an unskilled attempt to give you feedback. Even though you probably hate being criticized - everyone does, when you receive it instead of trying to deflect it, you can defuse criticism when it inevitably comes your way. Here's how. 1. Acknowledge the "ouch"-privately. Yes, criticism usually hurts, and people who send it your way believe that criticizing you is the only way to get your attention, or to solve a problem. 2. Allow your feelings to recede. Taking a deep breath, taking a sip of water or counting to 10 may help. 3. DON'T act defensive or counterattack! 4. Restate the critical remark in your own words. "I think you just told me that I am hopelessly ineffective...did I understand you correctly?" This is often enough to make your accuser back off and restate the problem more clearly. 5. Ask for specifics about the criticism until you are sure you understand exactly what behaviors or character traits your accuser is referring to. 6. Get clear about whether or not you committed the offense. Even if you did something for a very good reason, you still did it. 7. If you did, own it. Just say, "You're right, I did do that." That is probably the last thing your accuser expects to hear and may throw him/her off balance. 8. If the criticism doesn't fit, either you are certain you were not responsible for the offense or your accuser is emotionally upset at something outside of your control, change the subject slightly. Ask your accuser about what kind of problem the event created. Respond sympathetically. 9. Whether or not you intentionally or accidentally caused the problem, offer to do something to help. "What would you like me to do now?" is a great question to ask. 10. Either do what is asked or negotiate a different solution. When you appear to accept the criticism as feedback, whether you actually accept it or not doesn't matter to the criticizer. It often turns the criticizer into an ally and certainly helps you maintain your own sense of power and integrity.
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